It has several names, in fact. It would be disrespectful of me to share them all. Some things should be kept private. Sometimes, it shares a name with my husband's ex-wife. Sometimes, its name is "Holy Hairloss, Batman!" Sometimes, it's "That dish isn't going to put itself in the sink!" It's a little ball at the base of my skull, to the right of my spine that comes and goes depending on who or what I let get to me on any given day. Some days, it goes from my right shoulder, up through my neck and into my right eye. Today, I call it "Too much coffee." This is a good thing, because apart from the pain in my neck, I'm having a great day. I just need to drink more water!
Yesterday, I called it "Baby Mama." some inappropriate definitions here
Baby Mama, for all intents and purposes on this blog, shall hereby refer to the woman carrying a baby that my husband and I may adopt. The noise in my head today is about food, as I may be having some hormonal fluctuations. Food is good. That'll be another day of spewing, however. Yesterday, though. Yesterday, and the past 2 weeks and 2 days, the noise in my head was all about the baby mama.
How do I convey my story without boring you to tears? I'm no different than any other woman struggling with fertility whether or not God's plan for me includes children. Should I begin with the years of failed attempts at pregnancy? The horrendous female problems and multiple surgeries I've had to keep my endometriosis pain at bay while preserving the 0 to 4% chance I have of pregnancy? The fertility testing that revealed that my eggs are pathetic, old and few? The decision to not persue fertility treatments after learning about the $40,000 "Maybe" that would involve a donor egg that would still only give me a 15% chance? The tremendous gratitude and love and respect I have for my husband, who has a 15 year-old and an 18 year-old, but has been willing to start again with ME, for ME? Or that God Almighty has a plan for me that happens to include struggles, and I praise him anyway?
I like that last one. That's a good start.I don't know why I distance myself from God when all is well, and why I draw so near to Him when I face hard times, but I do. So I am learning to keep in mind that He has a plan, and is doing what is best for me, and the outcome may suck. But. His. Will. Be. Done.
Of course, I pray that His will is that this baby, this precious little life, will be loaned to my husband and me to love and raise and teach. I'm human! Of course I want the baby mama to realize that we will give the baby what she couldn't possibly give her! But is that true, or is that just me thinking I deserve something just because I want it? One thing I've been smacked upside the head with is that... wait for it...
"deserve" is a 4-letter word.
So, besides praying for this life inside this woman to be placed in the best home, and for God's will to be done (even though I hope His choice is US!) I also pray for the birth mother. I pray for her other children and for her peace if she chooses adoption, and strength to make a life for herself different than what she's chosen in the past. I pray that she stays off of drugs. I pray that she goes to college and becomes the woman she professes to want to become. I pray that she nurtures the budding relationships that are beginning with her 5 other children, only started in the past few months that she's been clean. I pray that she can take control of raising her children for good, and that her parents get to be grandparents instead of parents in their older years. They are in their 60's.
I pray that if my husband and I are chosen, that we will be the best possible stewards with this little loan from the Lord, because she is His.
I can't help but think of little girl names, though. Sigh.