Totally Random Gadget

Faith. Food. (In)Fertility.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A slotted spoon holds no soup.

What does that mean? And why did it pop into my head? I sure hope it doesn't indicate weeks of having songs from the Musical "Into the Woods" in my head for weeks.

The adoption did not work out, which was very difficult for me for a short time, and on and off since. And life goes on. 

A month and a half later, I threw myself head-first into being an emergency host family to a foreign exchange student losing her current placement. That fell through. I nearly cried. I was very excited, and absolutely fell in love with the girl and the idea.  My heart really wants to make a difference for a child, MY child, or, well, the child that God may or may not decide to loan me while i'm on this earth. God and I need to have a serious chat about what his plan is for me, regarding this need I have to bring children into my life, and the opportunities that flutter in and out like the wind, and that don't culminate in to what I want, but rather ways that He knows is best. 

We are considering hosting an exchange student, actually going through the process.  We have applied, and are awaiting results from the background check, which will be solid and clean. My husband worries about my and my delicate heart in this matter of children. Will I be able to send them back to Germany or Italy or Sweden without ultimate heartbreak? It's the reason we haven't persued adoption further at this time. I have difficulty seperating my head and my heart from let downs. I know all of the rationality of the outcome, and why things don't work out, and trust the "why" even if I hate it. The problem? I *feel* so hard and strong that it interrupts reality for me, if I let it.

Here again, I need to lean on my Daddy. My creator's plan is turning out to be vastly different for me than what I want and when I want it. He does know best.

I have a job that is impacting children and families daily through therapy.  This is good. God put them in my life so I can do his work... There are some interesting opportunities coming up. A charity organization for children in underdeveloped countries to receive the Gospel, that I will contribute to this year. This is good, as well.  Perhaps a student from abroad will land in my home in the near future. I want a girl, I won't lie. And I will be teaching young school-aged children at church this month. This is also good, but scares the crap out of me. My nieces and nephew blow me away. I'm so excited to be some kind of influence on them as they grow. I have 2 step kids that I was hoping to be able to "mother" in a certain way, but I just don't think they want or ever wanted the picture I envisioned for our relationships. This doesn't mean I stop wanting a closeness and a bond with them. But I am not their mother.

God has placed many, many children in my path that he clearly wants me to support, help, nurture, love.


I can't help but continue to pray to Him that he grant me a miracle.